physics of bipolar disorder

an arbitrary influx of emotion while

lying in the grass,

feeling the earth move under my toes:

i swear my moods swing like

gravity,

but a negative velocity and a negative mood

do not coalesce to become

positive.

Newton’s second law of motion yields a

force

which reaches infinity, and

these breakdowns are like a

bomb

coded with Schrodinger’s Copenhagen interpretation in mind

and im simultaneously okay and

falling apart at the seams.

this fragmented set of emotion cannot be

analyzed by chaos theory,

i can’t traverse backward up a

binary search tree and find the root cause of

such a strength and totality of

mind.

it’s a wrecking into another ship,

and that ship is your consciousness,  and

every neuron represents a person on the boat

who remains placid and calm,

staring at the crash and accepting the

death of emotion.

but there is one lone neuron..

one drop in the ocean

to set forth such a powerful charting into unknown territory and

i am back,

lying in the grass,

feeling the earth under my toes.

new skin

venom on my gums

a feeling of insomnia creeping behind my

eyelids,

neurosis turning me

blue from the inside out

 

waiting for my skin to turn purple and peel,

shedding layers

growing nothing back in return

selling my soul for new

skin

 

dreamstate

in a dream

i think i saw your shadow

caving in on itself.

---

the first attribute i saw was your sparkling deep eyes,

and i’ve never felt such an influx of emotion.

you asked me to find the limit

of the function of your messy brain,

you asked how much time you had until you approached zero,

and if that meant your emotions or your body became empty.

---

i held your hand and numbed your skin

with my tears.

i had to look away.

when i gained courage and met your omniscient gaze

you became pixelated.

i could touch the pixels like a sleek screen and adjust your lithe movements,

i felt connected.

---

the colors in the room oscillated between red and blue,

and we could feel the heat and the cold.

i froze and thawed, purged of all senses.

---

i think i became whole when i awoke.

not perfect

Perfection is an empty word fit only for lifeless machines.

It’s not that it’s “too hard” on a human, but that it misses so much. To the animal that feels, empathizes and imparts feelings, there is an aesthetic to everything that is not measured up in gauges of accuracy or reliability- not evaluated by scientific method and logic.

It’s never quite “right” and it’s certainly not finished. The reductionist view on life doesnt come one flat color at a time, but as an always evolving full-spectrum shade whose beauty is lost when discredited into the separated wavelengths of metrics, terms, and categories.

The ineffable aesthetic informed by the animal heart lives in the repeating decimal places that only our minds can truncate.

I know now that it is grace I should strive for. Evaluated not by just the mind, but also the heart; grace admits the variation that is intrinsic to life, and recognizes the beauty in nature and nuance.

All while not losing sight of our intellect-sharpened skills.

the human class

A hand reaches out and

you feel a shocking impulse.

Is it a connection or is it static?

Binary code seen in the umbra of your vision,

constellations on the observatory in your mind,

outlining what is and what is not.

On, off

Off, on.

Here:

Movements describe mathematics- a novel approach.

Entropy takes physics for a stroll and teaches it the trials and

tribulation of a human day.

Can you even believe we have fractals inside of us,

on us?

Little equations representing our fingerprints and lungs.

Intricacies in the most intimate manner

explaining our purpose and our cells systematic rebirth.

These trivial thoughts once bound together

are outstretched in outlandish proportion

until they lose sight of one another.

Then, they meet again.

And again.

And the pattern goes on,

a chain of memories or a domino effect of neural activity in sleep.

It all connects.

We are objects in the human class.

Memories

We remember in sequences; patterns rendered useless and unintelligible if not committed to implicit and explicit memory locations. Implicit memories are declarative; unconscious motions and behaviors that naturally arise due to constant exposure or repetitive practice. This is why you may experience “highway hypnosis,” for example. Because you have repeated the task of driving to one place many times (or perhaps driving a straight shot on a highway for an extended period of time) it becomes second nature to you and you may drive to a location and not remember the trip there. Thus, the memory had clearly become devoted to your cerebellum for later use. This is vital for your ability to operate on autopilot whilst thinking about other concepts, plans, etc.

 

Explicit memories can be semantic or episodic. Examples of such are facts, events, and concepts. If you have no qualms with memory, you need not tell yourself to remember what you ate for breakfast or your own name. This fact is automatically dedicated to your medial temporal lobe and more specifically in your hippocampus. Without this facility, you would be in a ceaseless state of confusion, making yourself powerless to the world around you. Unfortunately, memory loss is common. From a biopsychological perspective, and according to Ribot’s law, you may suffer from losing recent memories first due to the weaker neural pathways of newer memories. This is applicable to recollection of memories in general and supports the fact that memories dim over time if not accessed.

 

There are no images, videos, or sound recordings in the mind. That is the greatest illusion. It is instinctive to believe that what you can remember is akin to a byte of information on a hard drive, but alas, it is just the opposite. Your memories are composed of a hierarchy of patterns in the neocortex. You are able to recognize such patterns because of your inherent nature to do so. From an evolutionary standpoint, it is indubitably necessary to be able to quickly pick up on minute details and devise subjective opinions, plans, decisions, and so on. This all ties in with your obligatory drive to predict the future in order to ensure your safety and survival. We are relentlessly foretelling future outcomes in order to fashion an aegis surrounding ourselves from possible danger. This expectation harshly manipulates what we actually perceive.

 

The neocortex itself is technically one pattern recognizer high. Within the neocortex are a myriad of redundant factors. Redundant factors are words or images that occur often and are analogous. Take the word cat, for example. Hundreds of recognizers could be firing at once when this word is spoken or viewed. Albeit you do not notice this, because your brain transfigures which form of the word is being used rather than making you decipher it. If the word is spoken, those recognizers will fire, and so on. Not every input pattern has to be present for a recognizer to fire. As long as some parts are activated, you will recognize the pattern nonetheless. This can ensue issues because you can misinterpret words or patterns for something entirely disparate than what they are meant to be. Optical illusions are an example of such.